The Horrible Awful No Good Very Bad Day

At work, someone announced that they are pregnant. I kept it together because I didn't want to look like a lunatic at work bursting into tears. And let's face it, people are going to get pregnant that I know and I'm just going to have to deal with it.

But tonight. Oh yes, tonight 2 sentences from a friend put me into tears in the middle of a happy conversation about my wedding. Tonight I was on Facebook and a friend messaged me about what date my wedding is because her save the date got returned to me and I haven't re sent it out yet. She then goes to say "Ugh, this morning sickness aka all day sickness needs to go away, like now. And I might not make it to the wedding because I'll be giving birth again, 8 days before. LOL." I'm 90% sure she knows we've been trying and unsuccessfully. Is it just me being ridiculous or is that a really awful way to tell someone who you know has been struggling? I don't want pity or sympathy- I know many have it worse, but...I don't know, I guess I wish it would have been handled differently. I just wish she wasn't complaining about it when she told me. All that I could say was "Lucky you." Not a very nice response but at that moment I didn't have it in me to be nice. She went on to ask "Why is it taking so long?" Well gee, I wish I knew.

Why does something like this make a totally rational person on every other level (ok, aside from the vomit phobia), so irrational? I hate being whiny. I hate being jealous. I hate that I seem ungrateful when I have 2 kids already.

I'm calling a new physician tomorrow and making an appointment with them so that I can get the HSG done in payments instead of one lump sum. $165 doc appt and then the HSG will be billed by the hospital and radiologist--no doctor involved in the procedure. I'm to the point where I just HAVE to know. I just NEED to know if I should crumble into a million pieces and work to accept the fact that we'll never have a baby or if I keep getting back on this roller coaster ride month after month.

I am sure tomorrow I'll wake up and realize how horrible I'm being right now- but until then- I'm going to bed.