Chop and I had lunch today at the mall while killing some time. I had Chinese and a fortune cookie.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
The Horrible Awful No Good Very Bad Day
At work, someone announced that they are pregnant. I kept it together because I didn't want to look like a lunatic at work bursting into tears. And let's face it, people are going to get pregnant that I know and I'm just going to have to deal with it.
But tonight. Oh yes, tonight 2 sentences from a friend put me into tears in the middle of a happy conversation about my wedding. Tonight I was on Facebook and a friend messaged me about what date my wedding is because her save the date got returned to me and I haven't re sent it out yet. She then goes to say "Ugh, this morning sickness aka all day sickness needs to go away, like now. And I might not make it to the wedding because I'll be giving birth again, 8 days before. LOL." I'm 90% sure she knows we've been trying and unsuccessfully. Is it just me being ridiculous or is that a really awful way to tell someone who you know has been struggling? I don't want pity or sympathy- I know many have it worse, but...I don't know, I guess I wish it would have been handled differently. I just wish she wasn't complaining about it when she told me. All that I could say was "Lucky you." Not a very nice response but at that moment I didn't have it in me to be nice. She went on to ask "Why is it taking so long?" Well gee, I wish I knew.
Why does something like this make a totally rational person on every other level (ok, aside from the vomit phobia), so irrational? I hate being whiny. I hate being jealous. I hate that I seem ungrateful when I have 2 kids already.
I'm calling a new physician tomorrow and making an appointment with them so that I can get the HSG done in payments instead of one lump sum. $165 doc appt and then the HSG will be billed by the hospital and radiologist--no doctor involved in the procedure. I'm to the point where I just HAVE to know. I just NEED to know if I should crumble into a million pieces and work to accept the fact that we'll never have a baby or if I keep getting back on this roller coaster ride month after month.
I am sure tomorrow I'll wake up and realize how horrible I'm being right now- but until then- I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
On hold
Feel free to ignore my rants. I'm cranky, bitter and just plain annoyed right now.
Yesterday, I called my doctor to find out what my next step is. Unfortunately, it's the HSG which is going to cost me $765. The day was bad enough and the lady in scheduling just put me over the edge- I broke into tears. Previously- I had been told it would be about $400, but that very clear on the fact that there is a hospital fee AND their fee. She made me feel stupid and made it sound like I had some kind of infectious disease that she might catch just by talking to me.
I did some calling around and found out that there are some other places that would be slightly cheaper. I called back to ask if my doctor could just send the order to one of the other facilities and they called me back today to say that they can not. They only write the order for their facility. If I want to have it done somewhere else, I need to find another provider who can do that. So, I'd have to pay a consultation fee of $300 just about everywhere else and then the cost for the HSG.
I can't justify spending that much money right now. At the moment, we're paying for a wedding in August. In the future, I am struggling with ever being able to spend that much because I have 2 kids that I have here now that I need to provide for. They have everything they could want/need- but there's extras. The HSG alone is half of a 5 day stay at Disney for us. Add all the extra meds, ovulation test strips each month and we'd have a trip to Disney in no time.
TTC is definitely on hold for us indefinitely. I have 2 cycles left of Clomid that I can take. I don't want to "waste" them not knowing if my tubes are open. I just have this feeling that if it hasn't worked for us yet, it's not going to. The only positive I can come up with right now is that on 100mg, I just had a 28 day cycle. Even though I had some spotting, it was still not until cd25 which was 10dpo.
Everyone and their brother is also announcing pregnancies lately. I'm happy for them, I really am--but at the same time it just seems like it is everywhere. Every TV show has someone pregnant. I even got an "American Baby" magazine the other day in the mail- what a cruel joke. Oh and there's also the BabyCenter emails that come randomly. And if one more 17 year old comes into court and says that she needs a PFA to protect herself because she's pregnant and has an abusive "baby daddy", I might just stand up and scream in the middle of the hearing. Infertility can go screw itself. No one should have to try so hard (or even harder with IVF, IUI, and sometimes untreatable infertility), when 15 year olds get pregnant "on accident". *Insert hair pulling here*
Yesterday, I called my doctor to find out what my next step is. Unfortunately, it's the HSG which is going to cost me $765. The day was bad enough and the lady in scheduling just put me over the edge- I broke into tears. Previously- I had been told it would be about $400, but that very clear on the fact that there is a hospital fee AND their fee. She made me feel stupid and made it sound like I had some kind of infectious disease that she might catch just by talking to me.
I did some calling around and found out that there are some other places that would be slightly cheaper. I called back to ask if my doctor could just send the order to one of the other facilities and they called me back today to say that they can not. They only write the order for their facility. If I want to have it done somewhere else, I need to find another provider who can do that. So, I'd have to pay a consultation fee of $300 just about everywhere else and then the cost for the HSG.
I can't justify spending that much money right now. At the moment, we're paying for a wedding in August. In the future, I am struggling with ever being able to spend that much because I have 2 kids that I have here now that I need to provide for. They have everything they could want/need- but there's extras. The HSG alone is half of a 5 day stay at Disney for us. Add all the extra meds, ovulation test strips each month and we'd have a trip to Disney in no time.
TTC is definitely on hold for us indefinitely. I have 2 cycles left of Clomid that I can take. I don't want to "waste" them not knowing if my tubes are open. I just have this feeling that if it hasn't worked for us yet, it's not going to. The only positive I can come up with right now is that on 100mg, I just had a 28 day cycle. Even though I had some spotting, it was still not until cd25 which was 10dpo.
Everyone and their brother is also announcing pregnancies lately. I'm happy for them, I really am--but at the same time it just seems like it is everywhere. Every TV show has someone pregnant. I even got an "American Baby" magazine the other day in the mail- what a cruel joke. Oh and there's also the BabyCenter emails that come randomly. And if one more 17 year old comes into court and says that she needs a PFA to protect herself because she's pregnant and has an abusive "baby daddy", I might just stand up and scream in the middle of the hearing. Infertility can go screw itself. No one should have to try so hard (or even harder with IVF, IUI, and sometimes untreatable infertility), when 15 year olds get pregnant "on accident". *Insert hair pulling here*
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Fourteen
The magic number to date is 14. 14 cycles of failure. 4 of those failures with Clomid.
I'm finishing up my 1st round of 100mg Clomid. We used PreSeed, I ovulated on cd14, everything was going in the right direction. I was hopeful because my temp was up nice and high and I had creamy CM too. This AM, my temp dropped and I started to spot--on cd25. Yes, I got an 11 day LP with no spotting until now, but knowing that AF is on the way is hard. Very hard. Knowing I only have 2 cycles left of Clomid doesn't make it any easier. I don't know whether I should just ask for something else or just take the Clomid until I can't anymore?
They never called me back about the HSG. Has anyone had it done? Is it even worth spending the money on? It's going to be about $615 to have done. I have contacted some offices that deal specifically with infertility, and am waiting back on quotes from them. I am still seeing my GYN but maybe I need to see an RE or someone who deals specifically with infertility?
I'm finishing up my 1st round of 100mg Clomid. We used PreSeed, I ovulated on cd14, everything was going in the right direction. I was hopeful because my temp was up nice and high and I had creamy CM too. This AM, my temp dropped and I started to spot--on cd25. Yes, I got an 11 day LP with no spotting until now, but knowing that AF is on the way is hard. Very hard. Knowing I only have 2 cycles left of Clomid doesn't make it any easier. I don't know whether I should just ask for something else or just take the Clomid until I can't anymore?
They never called me back about the HSG. Has anyone had it done? Is it even worth spending the money on? It's going to be about $615 to have done. I have contacted some offices that deal specifically with infertility, and am waiting back on quotes from them. I am still seeing my GYN but maybe I need to see an RE or someone who deals specifically with infertility?
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